Having a baby changed how I look at my body.

Most women complain about how thin they were before kids. Their bodies were right and tight, and they had no problem showing it off. All their confidence was attached to the skinny them. Then there’s me. I’ve been skinny all my life–not bag of bones skinny– a healthy thin. I was never a fan of it. My mom had a big butt and my other family members had huge boobs and hips. My body obviously didn’t get that memo.

Me (age 23), weeks before getting pregnant

I longed to be curvy, even more so once I became an adult. I had no use for a girl-ish frame, I wanted to look like a woman. I couldn’t, for the life of me, gain weight. I had small breast and my butt had changed into something I hated by the time I was seventeen. I was so insecure about my body. People told me all the time “You’re so skinny.” and I cringed. Why in a family of big boobs and booties was I the one flat chested and lacking anything remotely close to hips?

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t wake up everyday loathing my body. Some days I looked in the mirror and felt like the boom.com. It was the times where I wore jeans that were too snug or a shirt that not even a push-up bra could save. Those were the days I hated; when the outfit looked great in my head but not on my me. It ruined my whole mood and I’d want to stay home. My body was working against me, it seemed.

It didn’t help that after high school girls, that were so much thinner than I was, had all of a sudden developed the body that I wanted. Poor me–or so I thought–still looked the same. I spent the last years of my legal-teens days dressing like a “working girl” and I’m embarrassed to say I did it for the attention. My shorts were too short and my shirts were just a mess. I wanted guys to notice me but I didn’t want them. I just wanted their eyes to follow my trail, even though I would be pissed if I got a catcall or a “Hey baby. Come over here.” I was confusing myself and putting out a certain image, all because I felt bad about the way I looked. It didn’t solve anything; really all it did was create more problems.

By the time I was in college, I was looking for butt enhancement pills and ways to plump my butt up naturally with herbs and exercise. All were flops. I was not accepting myself at all. I liked my body but I didn’t love it. In underwear though, was the only time I really thought “Damn you look good.” I would buy only lace see-through undies and anything sexy. It wasn’t for guys. It was for me. I had total confidence when I wore underwear. That’s when I could kind of see little hips and my bras made my breast look bigger than they were. My body was my favorite thing to look at then.

Now, this followed me until I got pregnant.  I spent almost an entire decade hating my body. I thought “Finally I’m going to gain weight. All women gain weight while pregnant.” I didn’t care about stretch marks, I already had some on my butt and knees. I wasn’t worried about shedding baby weight; I wanted to keep it! I had no idea that my 5’9 frame and fast metabolism would still haunt me during pregnancy. I gained about 20lbs start to finish. Went from 138lbs to 156lbs on average. My butt got even smaller. I had gained  absolutely nothing on my arms or leggs, in fact my pants were falling off! I hated it. My one chance to pack on the pounds and I felt like I was losing them.

1 month and 1day before I gave birth

My belly didn’t grow much bigger than this. Please ignore my crazy hair. Lol

All that changed when my 6lbs baby girl was born. She was perfect! My skinny ole’ body made a miracle! I had a mushy belly that she lived in for nine months and my tiny boobs were feeding her. I was sore, cramping, and bleeding but all I could think was “I made this. I did this!” I saw my body in all it’s postpartum glory as something so beautiful and amazing. If I didn’t have my daughter, my self image probably would’ve been the same. I would’ve seen flaws everywhere. My body is beautiful and if it was good enough to carry life, it was good enough point blank. I have an even flatter butt than I started with and my breast are two different sizes, thanks to breastfeeding. Do I care…NO! I’m grateful for becoming a mother because having a baby changed how I look at my body.

Me(25), 10 months postpartum. Skinny but confident in myself. I’m proud of this body now!

Being a Stay at home mom is the hardest easy-work ever!

I know……I know sounds like a big ole’ contradiction. I promise it’s not. I mean, what could be so hard about having your daily responsibilities all be steps away from bed? EVERYTHING!

When you work outside your home, you get to escape from the day’s stresses once you get inside your house. If you’re and SAHM or a WAHM all your stress is hitting you in the face like a brick and you have nowhere to run. You’re desire to raise your kids without a stranger’s help has it’s own challanges.

Everyone assumes you’re on the couch, eating snacks, and watching your favorite soaps. The reality is you haven’t showered, your hair is a mess, your kids are crying while you try to cook, and you think you broke your hip after slipping on some toy you don’t even remember buying. Making calls is like Russian roulette because everytime you do, your baby decides to test his/her vocals. It’s hard! 

There is no manual nor mother’s guide to raising kids. Yeah, yeah there’s the self help books and all of that but my kids don’t fit into a box. What works for one of my daughters is a complete disaster with the other one. Have you ever tried cleaning with kids running around? It’s like mopping in a flood……completely pointless. Doing the daily chores went from 0 to 100 real quick! Lol! It’s frustrating because you want your house to look like you got your *beep* together. There’s always going to be that Nosey Norma who ask, “How is it being a SAHM.”, and then answers her own question by saying “It has to be so easy; you’re home all day.” Well no Norma! It ain’t. You’re job ends at 5pm, mine is a 24/7 type of gig.

I won’t undermine the working moms. You go girls! I just think that some mommies that work outside the home need to just imagine…..imagine that your kids screaming at the top of their lungs before bed happens about six times a day. Picture that tantrum being thrown after not being able to watch Zootopia for the millionth time as an hourly occurrence. Imagine your daily shower is a luxury and nap time is the only time you get to yourself and it’s spent doing laundry.

Don’t talk about what your spouse might see you as: Baby maker, laundry folder, food cooker, maid, kid watcher, and sex robot. Being a SAHM is seen as nothing to some men. I got “You have nothing to be stressed about” and “You just lie around in bed all day”. I wasn’t on vacation sipping on margaritas; I was frecking taking care of kids all day and night. Could a girl get a back rub? Nope, not if it wasn’t going to lead to him getting sex. I can’t tell you how many times I broke down, not because I was overwhelmed by talking care of my girls, but because I felt like I wasn’t important to my partner. SAHM moms go through that alot, especially if you don’t have a work at home job. Your existence seems to be tied to your kids, as amazing as that is, when your spouse doesn’t recognize you as anything more than a mother. The financial burden of daycare might be lifted but your relationship starts to strain.

If you chose to be a SAHM know that it is so wonderful but also know that it takes so heavy lifting. Mentally you go through so much and as good of a listener your 7 month old is and as great as the advice your 4 year old gives, you will need a friend! Get out, enjoy the sun, make a schedule, and create play dates to hang out with other mommas as your babies run around. Staying at home with your kids is WORK. I mean for goodness sake if it wasn’t there wouldn’t be a career for it. It’s days filled with screams and “I love you(s).”, tantrums and timeless memories, headaches and hugs. I wouldn’t have it any other way because, Being a stay-at-home-mom is the hardest easy-work ever!