Categories
Uncategorized

No sleep for mommy!

 

 

Being a mother is great……it’s great but as I rock my baby girl to sleep I wonder how my brain is even working. It’s currently 2:12am……AM!!! That wouldn’t be bad if I hadn’t spent the last 4 or so hours trying to put my baby to bed. I know giving up sleep was a parent requirement but man, I starting drifting off before she did; was I rocking her to sleep or myself? I must say I’m really good at putting myself to bed. Putting my daughter to sleep on the other hand is a complete failure.

Success!!!! As a write this second paragraph my baby girl seems to be in dream land. *Pats self on back* It only took over a dozen tries. She had been up since 10am yesterday morning and only slept 10 minutes in that entire time period. Running on empty but she refused to give in to the one thing I cherish more than my kids……SLEEP! Oh beautiful sleep. With bright pink cheeks and red color eyeballs where the white should’ve been, she played and giggled and fussed and cried. If she only knew there are nights when I want to cry with her.

Maybe it’s my fault because I stopped her schedule and everyday is more like a freestyle than a well choreographed musical number. This is her most-every night. I don’t work but I also have her older sister to take care of and I feel guilty when someone else deals with her while I sleep in. My body begs for sleep all the time. I’m like a walking zombie…..walking dead. Ha!

Sleep is just so hard to come by. She wakes up like sleeping beauty and I wake up like …..like I don’t even know what. I say again it’s my fault. Her sister was on a schedule and it worked! Then again her sister wasn’t breastfeed and super alert like she is. She acts like she might miss out on some great achievement if she sleeps.  I’m not cranky or mad, I just feel drained. Like someone is sucking energy out of my body parts and when i finally rest I’m like a log.

I’m kind of use to the lack of sleep thanks to peeing every minute during pregnacy and taking care of her big sister BUT this is different. It’s one thing to wake up, go to sleep, and repeat couple times a night but noooooo sleep for hours is pretty hard. She has only fallen asleep on her own maybe four timed in her six months of life and that’s just recently. I refuse to give her anything to make her sleep but I wish I could get something to enhance my sleeping experience. Like a pill call “wonder-sleep” that leaves me feeling well rested even if it’s only been two hours.

Listen! Even though she is out like a light I’ve mastered the earth if breath-whispering. Yes! You read right. I think she can hear me breathing a mile away so I have managed to learn how to put it on silent without dying. Lol! Moments like these where I can sneak a blog entire ,like I use to sneak-eat snacks so I didn’t have to share, are awesome. It’s so weird how different your life becomes after becoming a parent. Sleep now has become a privilege not a right.

As I watch her sleep I think “man is she cute” and fight the urge to wake her. I think many parents do that; hope their babies go to bed then can’t wait until they wake up. We have serious problems apparently. Lol! I hope she has sweet dreams and enjoys her sleep for the both of us because there’s no sleep for mommy.

Categories
Uncategorized

Becoming a mother ended my relationship

All my life I’ve dreamed of being a mother and having a family. I wanted the type of family you saw on tv or in pictures; the ones where everyone had on a forced smile and the kids seemed well-behaved in their Sunday best. I wanted that…..so bad. What I really got was a thing of nightmare. The type of thing your mother warned you about all your life.

Just like any relationship, mine was not perfect. Saddly it went beyond arguing over what team was the best or why the laundry wasn’t put away. There were problems from the beginning. Threats of infidelities or being dumped if I was not about to put out. This was just a month in! I broke if off only to give him the chance he so desperately begged for. Turns out he’d get quite a bit of second chances.

I saw the red flags. They no longer were in the distance; they were slaping me in the face at 100 mph and I STILL refused to run. After all he was my best friend…..my BEST *beep* friend. How could he hurt me, right? Wrong! He hurt me like no one ever had but  took it because worse than losing my new boyfriend, I was losing my best friend. I cried like a baby at the thought. He was the only man to see me cry and it was all his fault!

We talked about kids and family before we even became lovers. Even joked that we would have a baby together if there was no other hope. Fast forward to us being in a relationship and I was getting an ultimatum; give me a baby by 25 or I’m leaving you. My life was a mess then it’s still a mess. He didn’t understand my need to get my *beep* together before I had kids but her I am typing this with my 6 month old in my lap and my 16 month old in her play pen.

He ruin me.Everything I want before kids I didn’t get. Marriage? Nope! Our own place? Double nope! Stable income? Do I really have to say it…….NOPE! I know, I’m an adult and I knew exactly what I was doing. I was foolish to ignored all the wrong he had done to me. I become a verbal punching bag only to hear “I was tired….hungry…..upset.” “I didn’t mean it.” he’d say over and over again. I didn’t buy it not for one second but there I was laying next to a man that made me feel like crap. He could kiss it all better like I was a 4 year old with a booboo. I had a booboo alright, all over my heart and he did it. I just couldn’t seem to take my broken pieces and leave. “What about him?” “I don’t want to hurt him so I’ll let him hurt me.” That was my subconscious thoughts.

I wanted so badly to “fix” him, save him from himself. Though our second daughter wasn’t planned and everything in me said use a flipping condom, I believed that he would somehow develop a softer side. WRONG……again. I saw him interact with other kids and it was horrible. He promised that with his own kids it would be different. I clutched onto my newly pregnant belly and thought, “What did I do to this baby?” He didn’t change not one bit. I was still getting told that he would cheat and leave me. According to him he didn’t HAVE to stay with me. He was even talking to one of his co-workers. He swears up and down that nothing happen but a woman doesn’t send naked pictures for nothing. I don’t know how I slept with him that night but I did.

Money was also an issue. Did I mention I had stopped bringing in income at around 4 months preggers? I never heard the end of it but when i offered to go back to work I was told to relax and enjoy my prenancy. Maybe thats part of the reason I want to work so bad now, to prove to him that I’m not lazy after all.

I let him know that once the baby was born he had better shape up. No such look. Even in the hospital after I gave birth he was his usual angry self. Criticizing the way I was went his bio-daughter who we had been raising for several months at that point. She needed me! That was the longest time we had been apart. He cursed and shouted saying that I should leave her alone because I had spoiled her; with love I’m guessing. I stayed in the hospital a day more than I had to just to be away from him. I regretted him and wished I’d pick a better man to have children with.

I was done with him. Completely done. Before I gave birth I was done but he was still “trying” I think he was trying to kill me with sadness. I went into a depression after my daughter was born, not because I was overwhelmed by being a new mom, but by being stuck with someone I had rather ran away from. I knew that our relationship was something I didn’t want my daughter growing thinking was normal. I had to leave! Nothing changed except the fact that instead of crying all the time I was defending myself.

Getting pregnant opened my eyes to how I was being treated and having my daughter helped me to leave a very bad situation. It was tough. I went through way more than I mentioned. He never hit me, which he says I should be grateful instead of complaining. Words are just words to him I suppose. I don’t know if he ever really loved me. I do know that becoming a mother ened my relationship and I’m glad it did!

 

Categories
Uncategorized

Moms support other moms!*Rant*

Ok, the other day I saw a post about how moms need to stop selling stuff to other moms. Against my better judgement, I read the article and the comments that followed. What I got from it was a vast amount of bitter mommies taking out their pitchforks at mothers who run a home business. Stay home with your kid you’re lazy. Work and have them go to daycare you’re a bad mom. God forbid you stay home and work from home, you’re a money hungry *beep*.

Yeah, it can be a bother if someone is shoving a product down your throat, but do remember there’s a word called “No.” I mean really, what’s the harm in going to one of those product parties? Are you going to go home and say “Man I wish I didn’t get a free facial.” or “I regret taking thaf free lipgloss.” You aren’t obligated to buy anything. When you take a free sample at the mall do you feel like you HAVE to buy that product? No? Oh, there’s that wonderful word again.

Stay at home moms sometimes want a bit of extra cash; it can be to help out with finances or so she can have a little something just for her. Either way she is trying to become a business woman and can benefit from your support. Some people can be pushy yes but not everyone is going to force feed you their products. If you don’t have any interest in it, there is no need to huff and puff over a woman simply trying to make ends meet or following a life long dream.

Honestly, chances are that her little product get togethers are her only human contact out of mommy-ville. She may be selling products but enjoying your company at the same time. If she is your friend why not support her? An hour or so out of your life talking and laughing while you try on some cream that might just help with those bags under your eyes; which jr has help to create because he thinks that 3am is when all the action happens.

Some women never bat an eye at that designer hand bag thats worth half the rent. I don’t get what’s so troubling about spending what, 20 bucks on a set of really amazing lip balm. What is it about that? Nicki nobody can’t have your hard earned money but some rich Mitch, whose sitting in a house worth more than your entire family’s life time income, can get a couple hundred?

The struggle is real to become a successful entrepreneur but it can be even harder on parents. We can’t take too many risk or dip into savings because it has now become college fund money.You can bombard me with as much as you like, I don’t mind. If I have no interest in what you’re selling Sally, I would glading share it with people who might. Call me crazy but I think mothers should support one another. No money needs to be spent. Cheer a girl on why don’t ya!

 

 

 

Categories
Uncategorized

Hiddy Ho

Hello, fellow human beings! This is my millionth-no sorry, this is my millionth and 1 attempt at actually keeping up with a blog. I have several ghost blogs out there attached to emails that are probably covered in dust by now and will disintegrate into ash if I ever signed in again. My first blog was made when I was about 17 and I’m 24 now so that should tell you something. Blogs about nothing in particular besides a big old dream that I’d become famous off of it. By the way if you ever come across my early blogs tell them “mommy still loves them.”

Oh wait! I didn’t introduce myself. *In my little Stephanie Tanner voice* “How rude!” (Yes I’m a full house/fuller house fan) Anywho, hello good people I’m Dena. Mother of two darling girls, aspiring fashion designer, play pretend writer, wannabe therapist and future billionare! Ha, right one can dream.

As you have probably guessed, I’m an entrepreneur mama. A very poor one but one nonetheless. After becoming a mom my desire to be my own boss sky rocketed. Besides wanting to raise my girls, I’m basically a stay at home mom by force. No one will hire me! I’m sure there are dogs with better resumes than me. At this point if I want to make money I’ll have to take matters into my own hands.

It feels like everything  I try to do has a prerequisite. A step before a step. When I was making custom clothes I needed clients or I wouldn’t have work. Once I had some clients it soon became a need for clients that didn’t want a discount on a $20 pant; which by the way was already under priced. As much as I loved designing and sewing the payout was disappointing to say the least. After hitting the search button on google about one hundred times I’ve found a few really promising “jobs”. These too, have steps before steps and as simple as they seem, I’m still struggle to get things rolling.

It was my choice to be a stay at home mom but I still wanted to work to provide for my girls. They have a dad but I’d still want to work my butt off for them even if he was bringing home milions per year. That’s just me. I’m hoping to gain a good bit of income soon or I’ll be at the side of the road holding a sign saying “give me a dollar.” Ha! Whatever works I will share them with you all; as long as I can get into the rythem of writting to myself and hoping others will read it.