Cancer. What an awful little word. I hate it. When you refer to something as a cancer it is NEVER good. What’s worse than using the term to describe something negatively is using it to describe a loves ones current state.
It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care about the color of your skin, your age, not even your social status matters. Lately, so many celebrities have come out to say that they have cancer. You think, “Really? Her?” As if celebrities are supposed to be immune to illnesses like that. They aren’t. No one is.
I’ve haven’t had much family diagnosed with cancer but the ones that were, died. I had an aunt who had breast cancer. I’m not sure if I didn’t know the severity of it or I was hoping if I didn’t acknowledge it it would go away. I loved her, she was my aunt after all but I couldn’t, subconsciously, bring myself to accept her diagnosis. Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away.
I remember the last time I say her; it makes me cringe, I was such scum. She spotted me in a car outside a corner store and tapped on the car glass. She was pale, her skin much lighter than usual. She had a bandanna on her head, no sign of eyebrows. She looked sad. I didn’t get out the car. I didn’t even roll down the windows. I just waved to her and put my head back down. I didn’t realize it then but she felt bad. Her heartbroken face is forever burned into my memory.
My aunt died soon after that. She never got even a 2minute visit from me. I suffered from extreme guilt. Oh, how I wish I had given her a hug and told her I loved her. I didn’t and for that I beat myself up. I was then, and still am, ashamed. Out out guilt and fear I didn’t attend her funeral. I didn’t want to see how she looked dead. I wanted to remember her how she was. My always smiling and laughing aunt, who made me feel so loved and wanted.
When I was sick as a young child she was there. Where was I when she needed me? I was avoiding her at all cost because cancer, I wanted to believe, would go away if you paid it no mind. She would never die…no! Not her! But she did…she did die. Cancer took her from this earth. I ask myself now, “why was I so selfish?” She was the one going through something so horrible and I was worried about myself and how her sickness would affect my ability to function.
I live with regret. When I think of her I want to break down. I feel sick to my stomach. I was so afraid of what cancer was doing to her I didn’t realize what it did to me. It made me heartless. Now I know better but it’s too late for me to apologize to my aunt but it might not be too late for someone out there. Cancer scares us all. Some people handle the diagnosis better than others. Please don’t be like me…running scared.
Breast cancer awareness month is a time to recognize the strong women who fought and are still fighting the battle. We must forget about ourselves and be strong for the women in our lives who face this everyday. And for those of you that fight the good fight, I’m proud of you. You inspire me to find courage when all hope seems lost. In moments where even your faith will be tested, you stand firm.
I know that I will never get back my time with my aunt but I hope I can make a difference somehow. This is a very sensitive topic for me and it gives me great pain to even talk about but I need to. I can’t pretend that I don’t struggle with the lost of my aunt and the part I didn’t play in her last days. I hope that this will speak to someone who might feel the same way I once did and help them.
Like always guys ((HUGGS AND LOVE))