Categories
Uncategorized

I need a sponsor

Sometimes I feel like I need someone to keep me going…keep me from slipping. You know the way addicts have sponsors. I don’t know that much about it but it sounds good to me. Life is hard as it is but how great would it be to have someone in your corner that knows what you’ve been through? That type of support should be for everyone!

I have family that I can talk to but it’s so different. Family  are as emotionally invested in your life as you are. You’re happy, they’re happy. You hurt, they hurt. Sometimes you don’t want to add any more stress to their plate. Does that sound crazy?

I want someone to say, “Hey, how are you doing? Have you sewn anything lately? Do you need inspiration for a painting? I hope you’re still blogging on a regular!” And still I want them to be like a shoulder to lean on and talk things over with. Like family without the blood ties and a therapist without the hefty price. Someone who can guide me along this journey of life because they walked it already.

Does it seem greedy that I have family I can talk to but still want more? Some things you can’t bring yourself to tell your loved ones. I, for one, hate feeling like I’m burdening my family. You know it’s funny because I feel like I’ve be a “sponsor” for so many people even complete strangers and now I find myself NEEDING the same level of concern I gave. All my strength has been given out. It’s a funny place to be. It’s also hard to except needing someone to be there for you when it’s always been the other way around. I suppose that’s why I don’t tell my family much, because I’ve always been their strength and their backbone. How useful would I be if I was vulnerable? That’s what I think anyway.

Is there some anonymous group that helps people, who are use to being there for others, accept that they need support too? Are there enough people like me out there to begin with? The ones that give their all not wanting anything in return. The ones that forgot that they’re human too and need to be taken care of just like everyone else.

This was honestly some random thoughts that popped into my head after watching “Dexter”, of all things. Anyway, like always guys, ((HUGGS AND LOVE))

Categories
Uncategorized

I need to write more!

Lately, my brain has been working really hard at not working at all. My desire to do things become squashed by my overactive imagination. I like to write…No, I LOVE to write. That’s why it’s  funny and even strange that I haven’t been writing as much as I use too. I’ve slacked off quite a bit. Okay, a lot.

I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me. I don’t lack ideas, I simply lack will. In January, I wrote my first full book. I’ve been writing books for years but never finished them. I finish them in my head and then don’t want to bother myself with writing it on paper. It feels like I’ve watched a movie then have to watch it again but this time take notes. Anyway, I wrote the book in a week’s time. Whenever my girls napped, I wrote. Sometimes I’d stay up until three in the morning writing. That’s why now I don’t know what’s different. I can’t even write for an hour.

I haven’t even been blogging! My blog is dear to me and it has  given me so much joy but I do find it has taken a backseat to my uninteresting life. I have more time now to write and yet it seems like I have none at all. I begin to write then abandon the entire thing. Once again, not for lack of ideas but lack of will and desire.

I need to get back into the groove of things. Rebuild my romance with writing. I need to express myself and open myself up to feelings outside of my everyday routine of emotions. I guess it’s a reflection of my personal life. I am stressed  and it is depressing. Not like “I need meds depressing” but more of a “cut my a break, life is touch!” I can’t continue like this. I can’t just not write because my life’s a mess. Heck, that’s the best time to write.

I miss it all very much. It’s like a friend you haven’t seen in years but when you meet up, nothing’s changed. As I write, I feel so empowered. It’s amazing what a little self expression can do. Giving up something you love doing is a BIG mistake! You can go a little bonkers. I think that’s why I was in a slump. I didn’t write for a while so I didn’t want to start writing again because I was feeling down but maybe I was feeling down because I wasn’t writing. Make sense?

I needed to get that off my chest. As I write this my daughters are sleeping on my chest. Lol. Just like old times. It feels completely natural to be up late, pouring my heart out as my daughters sleep. It’s 12 am now so I think I’ll join them.

Thanks for reading ((Hugs and Love))

Categories
Uncategorized

“What’s the hardest part of being a mom?”

‘Couple days ago, my friend asked me “What’s the hardest thing about being a mom?” She’s 21 with no kids but dreams of having some one day. My answer wasn’t what she expected. I said, “The hardest part is worrying…worrying about if they’re safe, about CREEPERS. I worry all the time!” She continued, “Worrying? Is it like when you’re apart?” I told her that me and the girls are 99.9% of the time never apart. I worry in general.

I think everyone expects a mother’s response to a question like that to be something like, “The late nights and crying duet is the hardest part.” I know some women complain of no social life. Sorry, not sorry…I’m not concerned about a social life, my girls are more important than drinks at some club– I don’t even drink. I don’t need a “break” from my mothering duties. I don’t mind late nights because one day I’ll long for them. I don’t mind them crying over me giving them juice instead of milk because I’m not ready for them to be crying over a boy.

My daughters are my world…my life. They’ve given me so much more purpose. I want to give them everything they deserve, and that includes thinking about them now and forever. I don’t just worry about their safety– I worry about the people they’ll become…the impact they’ll have on the world. I know, wondering if my 1year-olds will end world hunger and create peace among all nations is a bit much. I actually care about the type of humans that leave my home.

I worry a whole lot! It keeps me up at night sometimes. Tonight as I gave my girls a bath and watched them splash and kick their feet trying to make bubbles,  I worried. I worried that one day something as simple as a bath won’t make their day. I worried that life won’t bring them bath-time-like-joy. Even in such a precious moment, where my kids were having the time of their lives, I worried. I couldn’t help it.

I have fears beyond my control. My mother was a worrier too. She saved us from potential sexual abuse…abuse that was happening to classmates who begged my to sleep over. My mother never let me and my siblings sleep over to just anyone’s house. In my entire youth I’ve only ever slept by three homes: My grandparents’, my cousin’s(my age), and my mother female friend who had four kids of her own(about 2-3 times that my mother wasn’t present.) I thought she was controlling and killing my childhood but her worrying saved me. Her worrying stopped me from having sex at a young age and being a teen mom like her. Her worrying stop me from running the streets like the other girls, my age, living in the same projects I did. I wondered why she worried to such an extent but then I became a mom and I’m far more paranoid than she ever was. Lol!

Worrying is the hardest part of being a mother. It’s not money, it’s not the crying, it’s not even the tantrums thrown in public. I don’t know what other mothers might say but that’s how I feel. It’s not going to change no matter how old they become either. Like always guys ((Hugs & Love))

Categories
Uncategorized

A recurring pattern

via Daily Prompt: Pattern This prompt couldn’t have come at a better time. Why? Because I’ve lived a life of repeating the same nonsense over and over, and I declared yesterday that I was done with it!

What I’m referring to is the magical word “LOVE.” In relationships, I’ve managed to end up with the same bloody guys just with a different name and face. In my defense, they didn’t seem like douches at first. Regardless, somehow I created a pattern of  finding men that were complete jerks.

I am nowhere near petfect but I’ve been faithful in every relationship and committed. I can’t say the same for my ex boyfriends. I came to the conclusion that it just had to be a problem with me…right?

Picking these guys wasn’t the end of the pattern I made. No sir! I made a habit of giving a million chances to each one even though they cheated, humilated, and disrespected me. Oh you’ve only played me 99 times, this time I’m sure you’ll change. Honestly, I think that was I thought.

I took crappy boyfriends back constantly throughout the years. I hated the idea of starting over. It was easier to stay with jerk-of-the-year than risk moving on and possibly finding a new jerk when I could’ve just stayed with the jerk I already had. Great logic, I know!

Needless to say I ened up with new jerks everytime. Sadly, as high of stardards I had, I would lower them in order to not lose these men that were as bad for me as Halloween candy is for a person with diabetes. They were literally killing me off emotionally and still I couldn’t get out of that hamster wheel.

Like I’ve said in other post, becoming a mom changed a lot. That includes the crap that I won’t put up with. Yesterday I sat, cried, and thought “I can’t keep doing this.” The pattern that I was so comfortable with had shown up in my thoughts and caused a wide range of emotions. It’s heartbreaking because if I veiw this as if it was someone else, I’d feel bad for that person. I’d want to hug them and tell them they needed to STOP putting themselves in such situations. I couldn’t tell you why when I put back on my own shoes I was suddenly not that confident.

It’s a process. You must know your worth, love yourself, and stick to your standards or you won’t end the cycle. I ended the pattern but I always had a fear that whenever I was ready to enter another relationship, it would be the same thing. After being in such deep thought yesterday I know I won’t end up repeating history again. Not ever!

Let me know what patterns you’ve created, good or bad. How has it affected your life?

(Hugs and Love!!!)

Categories
Uncategorized

The battle between stay at home moms and working moms.

I believe that most mothers know that there’s some type of unspoken war between moms who stay home with their kids all day and moms who, go out and work. You choose what you want to do depending on what’s best for you and your household. We all have our reasons but some women tend to judge the ones on the other side of the fence.

Selfish! You’re selfish if you leave your child in the care of someone else so you can work. You’re selfish if you don’t get a job to help contribute financially to your child’s upbringing. Take it easy ladies! Even though I’m a SAHM I still try to find work-from-home jobs, not because someone told me to but because I want to. I can understand why both sides make their decisions. I myself wanted both. I can’t judge another mother for doing what she felt she needed to do. If her kids are loved and well-taken cared of, that’s all that matters. MYOB! Lol

Besides being seen as the worse mother in the world, you can also be labled as lazy or a work-aholic that doesn’t love your kids. Listen, once again, different strokes for different folks. Wanting to be at home with your kids doesn’t mean you’re trying to run from working and working doesn’t mean you’re trying to run from your kids. I would love to have a job and make lots of MONEY but that’s not my reality. With two girls, child care would cost more than their monthly expenses in just one week; I’d be working to pay someone to take care of my kids because I’m working to pay them. Get it? Some people can afford that and still have money left over and then some to be able to help pay bills. I mean depending on how low or high your income is you can either get assistance or have enough money to pay for whatever without blinking an eye. It’s all about your life and your needs as a mother and family.

I thought that mothers supported and encouraged each other for the most part. Turns out that just like with any other thing, personal decisions on working or staying home can ruffle a lot of feathers. I was once oblivious to the tension such a topic could create. How can you, not knowing someones background, assume anything based on a mother that works or stays home?

I’d like to hear some thoughts on this. And like always, (Hugs and Love!)

Categories
Uncategorized

What no one tells you about breastfeeding boobies!