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Listening ears on: God told me to visit my ex in-laws.

Being human is hard. Add being a Christian and you have a whole list of rules and regulations you must follow in order to truly be a follower of Christ. Usually, especially now, doing the right thing and being sweet and kind has come easily. Even things that would trigger me, just goes over my head and I say a prayer in my mind, grin, and keep it moving. Last week however, I was thrown a curve ball that I really just wanted to dodge.

My ex told me that his parents were going to be cooking a big meal and asked if the kids and I would come over. Without hesitation, I said NO. I mean, why would I? Besides the fact that I’d have to drive over 45 minutes, I’d have to come in close contact with the family of the man I abruptly left in the middle of the night, with a week’s worth of clothing, and my kids. It wasn’t exactly a peaceful breakup and I found myself on the hated end of the stick. His father had a lot to say about me in the past and would quickly jump on social media in defense of his son, whenever I was the topic of a falsified rant.

I insisted that I had no business going there and I prayed to God that some crazy occurrence would happen so it would be set in stone that I couldn’t go. Be careful what you pray for because four days later a tropical storm came through AND a tornado happened 9 minutes away from us. We were obviously spared and I thought that was God’s answer to my prayers– no honestly! You want to know something? It wasn’t.

My ex told me he would be getting out of work early so he could take us if I didn’t feel like driving. I told him that was great because that meant he could take the kids and leave me out of the equation. He seemed hurt and told me not to be that way. They weren’t my family and I remember how dysfunctional it was when all of us lived together. I did not want to go so I purposely ignored all my ex’s text after that.

You know, God works in very BLUNT ways and as I headed to the bathroom I heard, “Go” in a vey soft voice. Now, don’t call the luny bin on me but I heard it clearly. I remember saying, “yeah right, God. You would never want me to go there.” I then saw a vision of me walking into their home and a voice said, “Go, so they can see all I’ve done for you. Go to be a light. ” Guys, I laughed so hard and said NO! Then I tried to convince myself that I was the one creating the instructions that I had but when I said the word “Go” in my mind it sounded different from what I first heard. This was not something I wanted to be obedient to. I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable and I didn’t want to break bread with my ex’s family.

When my ex arrived, I grabbed my purse and roughly told him to hurry up and let’s go. He was shocked but he got up from the chair quickly and we headed to me car. Once we were all buckled and ready to go, my ex thanked me for going. I heard a voice say, “I told you.” I rolled my eyes and replied ok God, of course in my head because I didn’t want to sound crazy. ūüėā

The drive down was actually enjoyable and I didn’t find myself ready to jump out the car or complain to the heavens. But when we got to his parents house I found myself feeling uncomfortable and nervous. My girls rushed inside and I bought myself time by getting my son out of his carseat. Surprisingly, I was greeted genuinely and asked if I wanted some food and my ex made me a plate. I can’t even lie, for a second I thought they were trying to poison me so I asked my kids if they wanted some food and when no one screamed out “No”, I knew that the food wasn’t unsafe to eat.

I stayed for maybe an hour and a half and I watched as my kids enthusiastically ran around and played with the side of their family they hadn’t seen for so long. I felt relieved. My kids were so happy and I felt good. I talked with everyone and at no point did I want to run for the door. When I left I almost felt sad. His dad thanked me for coming and said we could do something for Christmas if I had no plans.

Before last Sunday, I had so much anger towards my ex father in-law. I was upset because he knew what I went through with his son and he completely turned against me when I left. I was mad and hurt and really wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Visiting him was a healing moment for me. It thought me forgiveness in a way I did think I needed. There is so much truth in forgiveness being for you and not the other person. I was released from the grip of anger.

If there’s anyone you need to forgive, whether they said you an open invitation or not, forgive them. Listen to the voice inside that sounds crazy because it goes against every logical thing you believe in. I listened to God and went somewhere I DID NOT want to go and it ended up being a beautiful moment for me.

I hope you liked this post and as always Hugs and Love!

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Relationship Dumpster Diving

I’m pretty sure we’ve all been in a relationship that seemed to be dragging us down rather than lifting us up. I’m talking about the type of relationship where your partner makes you feel like pure crap. It leaves you wondering if something is wrong with you. You’re head fills with self doubt and you assume that he/she is as good as it gets. I mean, after all, they’re putting up with all your flaws and problems, right? Wrong!

You’ve heard the saying, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” I bet you’ve also heard of the phrase “dumpster diving.” What if I told you that the comparison of a relationship to garbage isn’t a bad thing, at least not the way I see it. Let me explain a bit more. No one wants trash…no one. We all know that. And what’s worse than having a partner that makes you out to seem like trash? They might even tell you directly that you are trash, that you are no good. Okay, so what do you do with that?

Don’t let an unappreciative person determine your worth. See it as an opportunity to spin their perception of you on its head, not because you need their validation but because you should always solidify your value. Just because they don’t think you’re good enough doesn’t mean it’s true. Heck, it’s not!

So, let’s get to the point. Relationship dumpster diving is something that came to mind when I thought about one person appreciating what another didn’t. People sift through trash on a regular basis looking for something that they can’t help but think someone else was crazy enough to throw ¬†away. I’m not saying that a person is truly trash by comparing them to garbage in a dumpster, so please don’t get the wrong idea. I simply want you to realize that as much as a person doesn’t want you, there will be someone who thinks you’re the greatest and can’t believe they stumbled on such a find.

Okay, let me give you another example. Let’s compare expensive clothing to ones found on the sales rack. Most people believe that the expensive clothes are one hundred percent better than anything found on clearance but how many times has designer or name brand items become available at an extremely discounted price? Does that make it any less valuable? Does the fine material automatically become mediocre? No! Sometimes, even though you are simply amazing, you might end up on the sales rack. You were unfortunately put there by someone who KNEW your worth but in order to make you seem less-than, stuck you with a 90% off tag. I don’t know about anyone else but I always head to the sales rack first, not because I’m cheap(well not mostly) but because I know how many great items were shoved in there.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some people who specifically look for broken and battered individuals for selfish reasons. However, many people will choose to look beyond all of that in order to discover who you really are. They’re not worried about what your ex thinks of you. They see you as a prize. They value you and don’t try to make you feel worthless. Hence, “One man’s ¬†trash is another man’s treasure.” You are worthwhile and the right person will recognize that.

I want to leave you with this final thought, don’t let a bad relationship hinder you from recognizing your own worth. A person who truly values you will appreciate everything you have to offer and not treat you any less than what you deserve. You will ALWAYS be treasure to the right person.

((HUGGS AND LOVE!))

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A recurring pattern

via Daily Prompt: Pattern¬†This prompt couldn’t have come at a better time. Why? Because I’ve lived a life of repeating the same nonsense over and over, and I declared yesterday that I was done with it!

What I’m referring to is the magical word “LOVE.” In relationships, I’ve managed to end up with the same bloody guys just with a different name and face. In my defense, they didn’t seem like douches at first. Regardless, somehow I created a pattern of ¬†finding men that were complete jerks.

I am nowhere near petfect but I’ve been faithful in every relationship and committed. I can’t say the same for my ex boyfriends. I came to the conclusion that it just had to be a problem with me…right?

Picking these guys wasn’t the end of the pattern I made. No sir! I made a habit of giving a million chances to each one even though they cheated, humilated, and disrespected me. Oh you’ve only played me 99 times, this time I’m sure you’ll change. Honestly, I think that was I thought.

I took crappy boyfriends back constantly throughout the years. I hated the idea of starting over. It was easier to stay with jerk-of-the-year than risk moving on and possibly finding a new jerk when I could’ve just stayed with the jerk I already had. Great logic, I know!

Needless to say I ened up with new jerks everytime. Sadly, as high of stardards I had, I would lower them in order to not lose these men that were as bad for me as Halloween candy is for a person with diabetes. They were literally killing me off emotionally and still I couldn’t get out of that hamster wheel.

Like I’ve said in other post, becoming a mom changed a lot. That includes the crap that I won’t put up with. Yesterday I sat, cried, and thought “I can’t keep doing this.” The pattern that I was so comfortable with had shown up in my thoughts and caused a wide range of emotions. It’s heartbreaking because if I veiw this as if it was someone else, I’d feel bad for that person. I’d want to hug them and tell them they needed to STOP putting themselves in such situations. I couldn’t tell you why when I put back on my own shoes I was suddenly not that confident.

It’s a process. You must know your worth, love yourself, and stick to your standards or you won’t end the cycle. I ended the pattern but I always had a fear that whenever I was ready to enter another relationship, it would be the same thing. After being in such deep thought yesterday I know I won’t end up repeating history again. Not ever!

Let me know what patterns you’ve created, good or bad. How has it affected your life?

(Hugs and Love!!!)

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My year long journey to self-awareness

via Daily Prompt: Aware

I’ve always thought that I knew myself, knew what I would or wouldn’t put up with. I believed I knew what I could and couldn’t take. I’d imagine myself in certain situations and think¬†I know what I would do. I’ve been put to the test beyond my wildest imagination but nothing has come close to what I’ve dealt with in the past year.

Around this time last year I was nine months pregnant with my 1st biological child. I was already raising my ex’s daughter who I love with all my heart and soul and the new addition was a joy. The problem was my ex boyfriend. He was mean, aggressive, and manipulative. I dreaded almost every waking moment with him. He had some good moments but the bad ones always outweighed them. He made me feel like a burden because I didn’t work so I could take care of our little girl. That’s what he wanted. He said I that I shouldn’t work just take care of the baby(yes BABY) and enjoy my pregnancy. It wasn’t before long until he started saying he was the only one working hard and no one was helping him.

I would constantly be put down and I cried every day, which turned into multiple times a days. He told me to move across the country to his friends home or he would leave me. I flew at 35 weeks 5 days to live with him at his friends place. At this point I had high blood pressure, my daughter was behind in her growth, I was told by my doctor that I needed to stay off my feet, and was admitted twice into the hospital and had to get a shot to stop my contractions at 28 weeks. With all that I still had to take care of a baby by myself. My ex worked two jobs and didn’t do much besides that and because I didn’t support our family I was continuously getting heat for it. He complained that I didn’t cook enough. I didn’t even want to be there, I was getting cursed out every day, and I had to take care of a baby while having a struggling pregnancy…no I didn’t cook much! I wasn’t even supposed to be on my feet alot.

I stayed thinking he would change in the beginning but learned the hard way he wouldn’t. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with his actions still. He says I “Looked for it.” and that I should be happy and was lucky that I was only getting cursed at because other women were being ¬†physically abused. He said I was playing victim and my “battered woman act” was getting old. I still made it my mission that whenever he would go through something bad I’d be there for him knowing he was the reason I felt like crap. He’s consistently done things to spite me and hurt me and I wonder why I took it for so long.

I was aware of what he was doing to me but I was NOT AWARE OF WHAT I WAS DOING TO MYSELF!¬†I was putting myself through hell to keep a family. I was losing my sanity to have someone to share a bed with. I was forcing myself to pretend to be happy, when all I really wanted to do was RUN! I wasn’t aware that I had a part to play in my own misery by staying in such a situation. Believe me it’s hard to leave especially when you have no family or friends near.

When I started to really understand what was happening, I slowly started to back away. I made sure I had proper footing before I took each step. Looking from the outside in at bad¬†relationships you think you know all the answers, then you go through it and have no clue what to do. This last year has changed me. I’ve been through things no one but me and him know. He’s told me things to break me and sometimes, when I didn’t cry, I’d say something to hurt him so he’d understand my pain. It was all a losing battle honestly.

I hope that anyone going through anything like what I did, wakes up and leaves. No man or woman is worth your self-peace. I hesitate, even now, to tell my full story. Talking about it helps me cope and if I tell people the truth it makes it impossible for me to sweep everything under the rug and go back to him. This topic is something I fear to talk about but need to and I hope it speaks to someone out there.