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The reality of my life as a single mother.

If any of you have read my posts in the past, you’ll know that I left a very bad relationship about 2 years ago. What I never updated you on was that I went back to my ex a year later. Long story short, I was living the exact same hell as before and then some. Surprised? I surely acted  like it was surprising.

So, four months ago I truly decided that I had had enough. I spent the day feeling miserable and down, wondering what kind of life I was living.  My ex’s family had flown up to LIVE with us just a week prior. From the moment they came, I could tell my ex was unhappy. So from him being OKAY and us being in a decent place at the time, the added stress of  having 3 more people in the house got to him. It showed in the way he treated me because as usual he never took his frustrations out on who caused it. And here I was feeling out of place, getting treated like I was a plague to his existence.

I snapped emotionally. I decided that I didn’t want to stay there any longer. I told him I wanted to leave and he told me no. Months before, he had implied that in order for me to leave, I’d have to be dead, so a part of me was afraid to go. He also had my debit card and refused to give it back to me because his money was on it ($19) and told me when I started working I could get it back. I made sure to call my sister in the middle of the drama so if anything happened, someone would know. After realizing that I was telling my sister everything that was happening, he snatched the phone from my ear and left the room.

Guys, there is so much that happened that night that I might just make a video about it. What ended up happening was I packed a weeks worth of clothes for the kids and I, got my cousin to pick us up, and left the apartment around 12am. He was so pissed; if looks could kill, I’d be dead.

There was constant fighting and back and forth after that. Then he’d pretend to be good and act like he was changing only to flip out when I said I was never going back to him. I felt nothing. Plus I had already told all my family members what really happened behind closed doors and if I even thought about going back to him, they wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.

Within a months time, I got a job. It felt like forever! I was blessed to get hired at a daycare so my kids could be there with me. I love my job and honestly the hardest part about it has been getting to and from work. I catch the bus at 7 am but I have to leave the house by 6:35 am in order to make it there in time. Sometimes, if I’m late, I have to carry my daughters the entire 20 minute walk. It might not seem like much but when it’s pitch black outside, you’re carrying around 68 lbs plus their backpacks, and you have to power walk, it’s tiring mentally and physically.

The afternoons aren’t any better. It takes me an hour to get home from work between the bus and walking. It’s a 13 minute drive! Then the sun is so hot some days, I want to pass out. And those are usually the afternoons where I carry my daughters in my arms because I know if I feel weak, hot, and tired then they do too.

It’s not easy. Sometimes I cry and pray and cry and pray because I don’t know what else to do. Each blessing comes with another challenge and I feel so burnt out. I am grateful for everything, it’s just hard trying to keep going when you feel like you have nothing left.

I can say that this experience has shown me that there is a serious need for assistance to help people who have been in my shoes. I hope that I can start some sort of charity to help people get on their feet especially with kids and little to no one to turn to.

The truth is, I’m better off now than I was two months ago. It’s all about progress. Yes, I struggle a lot but it’s only for a shot time. I hope to get a car, more than anything, so that my kids don’t have to go through this. One day!  By the way here’s a Video  of what outside looks like when I head to work.

As always ((HUGGS & LOVE)) and I plan to write more soon!

 

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I need a sponsor

Sometimes I feel like I need someone to keep me going…keep me from slipping. You know the way addicts have sponsors. I don’t know that much about it but it sounds good to me. Life is hard as it is but how great would it be to have someone in your corner that knows what you’ve been through? That type of support should be for everyone!

I have family that I can talk to but it’s so different. Family  are as emotionally invested in your life as you are. You’re happy, they’re happy. You hurt, they hurt. Sometimes you don’t want to add any more stress to their plate. Does that sound crazy?

I want someone to say, “Hey, how are you doing? Have you sewn anything lately? Do you need inspiration for a painting? I hope you’re still blogging on a regular!” And still I want them to be like a shoulder to lean on and talk things over with. Like family without the blood ties and a therapist without the hefty price. Someone who can guide me along this journey of life because they walked it already.

Does it seem greedy that I have family I can talk to but still want more? Some things you can’t bring yourself to tell your loved ones. I, for one, hate feeling like I’m burdening my family. You know it’s funny because I feel like I’ve be a “sponsor” for so many people even complete strangers and now I find myself NEEDING the same level of concern I gave. All my strength has been given out. It’s a funny place to be. It’s also hard to except needing someone to be there for you when it’s always been the other way around. I suppose that’s why I don’t tell my family much, because I’ve always been their strength and their backbone. How useful would I be if I was vulnerable? That’s what I think anyway.

Is there some anonymous group that helps people, who are use to being there for others, accept that they need support too? Are there enough people like me out there to begin with? The ones that give their all not wanting anything in return. The ones that forgot that they’re human too and need to be taken care of just like everyone else.

This was honestly some random thoughts that popped into my head after watching “Dexter”, of all things. Anyway, like always guys, ((HUGGS AND LOVE))

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Suicide

I just came off the phone with my cousin. A really good friend of ours was rushed to the emergency room while my cousin followed behind the ambulance. My cousin has no idea what happened to our friend. Our friend, who is such an amazing person, has been through a lot. You would never know, because she hides it well behind a smile, that she is suicidal.

It got me thinking more about the dream I had last night. I dreamt one of my classmates hung herself. I prayed that it was just a dream. As crazy as it sounds, some of my dreams have came true… the bad ones anyway. Not like a dejavu but REALLY coming true, whether in entirety or in part.

Earlier my mother, who works at a school, told me that one of the students tried to commit suicide. He is 11! He wanted to jump off of a ledge and kill himself because he wanted to talk to his brother. I found out that his brother was my former schoolmate. He was shot and killed, in 2015, outside of a night club. Just a year later, this little boy’s other two older brothers were in a car crash that took the life of one of them. Heartbroken and defeated, this child would rather be dead than live with the pain of losing his brothers. It is obvious that he needs to speak to a counselor. I fear he might succeed in killing himself and create yet another tragedy for his family if he doesn’t get help.

The theme of today seemed to be suicide and it’s frightening. I’ve been through some crazy things in my life but I have never thought about killing myself. What causes a person to what to do that? How much pain are they feeling that instead of overcoming it, they rather turn it off for good?

It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. So many people have these thoughts and now even children have begun to see suicide as their only option. I recall reading that a 7 year-old(SEVEN) killed himself because of bullying. At seven, you’re still a baby! How did he even know about such a thing?

I’ve helped three people not go through with their suicide in the past. The most recent was a couple months ago and the others were in 2009. Once I see posts about “not wanting to live” or being “better off dead” right away I jump into action. I don’t care if I don’t know you; I’ll do everything I can to stop you from taking your life. I wish other people were like that. Some either think it’s not their business or don’t take it seriously. Anyone who talks negatively about life in general and how much they don’t want to live, should be taken serious. It is a matter of life and death. It’s a cry for help.

I hope  those considering killing themselves seak help. I pray that someone gets to them before they end their life. If you have felt this way, I may not know you but, you are AMAZING, UNIQUE, PERFECT. God doesn’t make mistakes. And if you question God and where he is in your pain, know that he is in everyone willing to help you! As always guys (Hugs and Love)! Good night.