My year long journey to self-awareness

via Daily Prompt: Aware

I’ve always thought that I knew myself, knew what I would or wouldn’t put up with. I believed I knew what I could and couldn’t take. I’d imagine myself in certain situations and think I know what I would do. I’ve been put to the test beyond my wildest imagination but nothing has come close to what I’ve dealt with in the past year.

Around this time last year I was nine months pregnant with my 1st biological child. I was already raising my ex’s daughter who I love with all my heart and soul and the new addition was a joy. The problem was my ex boyfriend. He was mean, aggressive, and manipulative. I dreaded almost every waking moment with him. He had some good moments but the bad ones always outweighed them. He made me feel like a burden because I didn’t work so I could take care of our little girl. That’s what he wanted. He said I that I shouldn’t work just take care of the baby(yes BABY) and enjoy my pregnancy. It wasn’t before long until he started saying he was the only one working hard and no one was helping him.

I would constantly be put down and I cried every day, which turned into multiple times a days. He told me to move across the country to his friends home or he would leave me. I flew at 35 weeks 5 days to live with him at his friends place. At this point I had high blood pressure, my daughter was behind in her growth, I was told by my doctor that I needed to stay off my feet, and was admitted twice into the hospital and had to get a shot to stop my contractions at 28 weeks. With all that I still had to take care of a baby by myself. My ex worked two jobs and didn’t do much besides that and because I didn’t support our family I was continuously getting heat for it. He complained that I didn’t cook enough. I didn’t even want to be there, I was getting cursed out every day, and I had to take care of a baby while having a struggling pregnancy…no I didn’t cook much! I wasn’t even supposed to be on my feet alot.

I stayed thinking he would change in the beginning but learned the hard way he wouldn’t. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with his actions still. He says I “Looked for it.” and that I should be happy and was lucky that I was only getting cursed at because other women were being  physically abused. He said I was playing victim and my “battered woman act” was getting old. I still made it my mission that whenever he would go through something bad I’d be there for him knowing he was the reason I felt like crap. He’s consistently done things to spite me and hurt me and I wonder why I took it for so long.

I was aware of what he was doing to me but I was NOT AWARE OF WHAT I WAS DOING TO MYSELF! I was putting myself through hell to keep a family. I was losing my sanity to have someone to share a bed with. I was forcing myself to pretend to be happy, when all I really wanted to do was RUN! I wasn’t aware that I had a part to play in my own misery by staying in such a situation. Believe me it’s hard to leave especially when you have no family or friends near.

When I started to really understand what was happening, I slowly started to back away. I made sure I had proper footing before I took each step. Looking from the outside in at bad relationships you think you know all the answers, then you go through it and have no clue what to do. This last year has changed me. I’ve been through things no one but me and him know. He’s told me things to break me and sometimes, when I didn’t cry, I’d say something to hurt him so he’d understand my pain. It was all a losing battle honestly.

I hope that anyone going through anything like what I did, wakes up and leaves. No man or woman is worth your self-peace. I hesitate, even now, to tell my full story. Talking about it helps me cope and if I tell people the truth it makes it impossible for me to sweep everything under the rug and go back to him. This topic is something I fear to talk about but need to and I hope it speaks to someone out there.