All my life I’ve dreamed of being a mother and having a family. I wanted the type of family you saw on tv or in pictures; the ones where everyone had on a forced smile and the kids seemed well-behaved in their Sunday best. I wanted that…..so bad. What I really got was a thing of nightmare. The type of thing your mother warned you about all your life.
Just like any relationship, mine was not perfect. Saddly it went beyond arguing over what team was the best or why the laundry wasn’t put away. There were problems from the beginning. Threats of infidelities or being dumped if I was not about to put out. This was just a month in! I broke if off only to give him the chance he so desperately begged for. Turns out he’d get quite a bit of second chances.
I saw the red flags. They no longer were in the distance; they were slaping me in the face at 100 mph and I STILL refused to run. After all he was my best friend…..my BEST *beep* friend. How could he hurt me, right? Wrong! He hurt me like no one ever had but took it because worse than losing my new boyfriend, I was losing my best friend. I cried like a baby at the thought. He was the only man to see me cry and it was all his fault!
We talked about kids and family before we even became lovers. Even joked that we would have a baby together if there was no other hope. Fast forward to us being in a relationship and I was getting an ultimatum; give me a baby by 25 or I’m leaving you. My life was a mess then it’s still a mess. He didn’t understand my need to get my *beep* together before I had kids but her I am typing this with my 6 month old in my lap and my 16 month old in her play pen.
He ruin me.Everything I want before kids I didn’t get. Marriage? Nope! Our own place? Double nope! Stable income? Do I really have to say it…….NOPE! I know, I’m an adult and I knew exactly what I was doing. I was foolish to ignored all the wrong he had done to me. I become a verbal punching bag only to hear “I was tired….hungry…..upset.” “I didn’t mean it.” he’d say over and over again. I didn’t buy it not for one second but there I was laying next to a man that made me feel like crap. He could kiss it all better like I was a 4 year old with a booboo. I had a booboo alright, all over my heart and he did it. I just couldn’t seem to take my broken pieces and leave. “What about him?” “I don’t want to hurt him so I’ll let him hurt me.” That was my subconscious thoughts.
I wanted so badly to “fix” him, save him from himself. Though our second daughter wasn’t planned and everything in me said use a flipping condom, I believed that he would somehow develop a softer side. WRONG……again. I saw him interact with other kids and it was horrible. He promised that with his own kids it would be different. I clutched onto my newly pregnant belly and thought, “What did I do to this baby?” He didn’t change not one bit. I was still getting told that he would cheat and leave me. According to him he didn’t HAVE to stay with me. He was even talking to one of his co-workers. He swears up and down that nothing happen but a woman doesn’t send naked pictures for nothing. I don’t know how I slept with him that night but I did.
Money was also an issue. Did I mention I had stopped bringing in income at around 4 months preggers? I never heard the end of it but when i offered to go back to work I was told to relax and enjoy my prenancy. Maybe thats part of the reason I want to work so bad now, to prove to him that I’m not lazy after all.
I let him know that once the baby was born he had better shape up. No such look. Even in the hospital after I gave birth he was his usual angry self. Criticizing the way I was went his bio-daughter who we had been raising for several months at that point. She needed me! That was the longest time we had been apart. He cursed and shouted saying that I should leave her alone because I had spoiled her; with love I’m guessing. I stayed in the hospital a day more than I had to just to be away from him. I regretted him and wished I’d pick a better man to have children with.
I was done with him. Completely done. Before I gave birth I was done but he was still “trying” I think he was trying to kill me with sadness. I went into a depression after my daughter was born, not because I was overwhelmed by being a new mom, but by being stuck with someone I had rather ran away from. I knew that our relationship was something I didn’t want my daughter growing thinking was normal. I had to leave! Nothing changed except the fact that instead of crying all the time I was defending myself.
Getting pregnant opened my eyes to how I was being treated and having my daughter helped me to leave a very bad situation. It was tough. I went through way more than I mentioned. He never hit me, which he says I should be grateful instead of complaining. Words are just words to him I suppose. I don’t know if he ever really loved me. I do know that becoming a mother ened my relationship and I’m glad it did!